Once I had this Classics teacher make a 40-minute lecture detour about “Athletic Olive Oil” – what please, but also … what? Apparently, she said, the ancient Greek Olympians doused themselves with the stuff before the competition, had their throwdowns in the buff and, if they won, were rewarded with towering amphorae from the best EVOO in the country. They literally looked like shiny golden gods around the clock.
What a time to be alive I still think of those slippery, shiny Greek athletes and their high quality oil troughs. (Especially in this newly discovered era of minimalist, dewy skin.) Oils are among the greatest multitaskers of our time, whether they’re lubricating our holes, moisturizing our legs, seasoning our cast iron pans, or simply massaging our bodies. They feed us vitamins and give us the shine of a freshly blown bladder. If you haven’t already, it’s time to give them some extra bathroom and bed shelf space.
Wheeeere to start man? What are the ranks of EVOO or the body safe pourable massage candles to help you get messed up? How do we get past the crispy glass of Tiger Balm that has been in our car since 2014? Well, put on a bathrobe and follow moi as we navigate massage oils, from the simplest of starter bottles to some of the more luxurious blends for you and your pores.
Massage and safe trip
Would you like to start with the familiar? Look for a juicy fractionated coconut oil that differs from the coconut oil in your pantry in that it is tasteless and odorless – although you can always massage with classic coconut oil (if your pores can tolerate it). But we’re looking for bottles with sex appeal that make their contents a far more indulgent, ritualistic experience [swings incense] like Wonder Valley’s hinoki oil (Hinoki is a Japanese cypress that is said to induce relaxation by simply touching and smelling its wood), Aesop’s jojoba seed-based oil with a touch of blood orange bark and all that Made with high quality jojoba oil, not only is it soothing, but thanks to all of the vitamin E, it’s a natural antioxidant too.
Miracle valley
Hinoki body oil
Brooklyn made it, of course
Organic jojoba oil
Happy ending oils
You dirty dog. We all knew we were going to end up in the erotic massage oils section here. Bask in the glow of Maude’s massage candle, which makes some of the best sex toys on the market, or the similarly sexy LELO candle, over the luxurious Swedish vibrator end of things that also mean sensual massage oil.
LELO
Flickering Touch massage candle in snow pear and cedar wood
Maude
Burn No. 1 massage candle based on jojoba
Massage oil for menstrual pain
Cora saves my ass every month by saving my spine. I’m not a doctor and I’m not trying to give you medical advice, but I can tell you what worked for me. I rub this duo of homeopathic massage sticks filled with ginger, tea tree, clary sage and other essential oils, the scent of which alone alleviates my nausea. After a few minutes I feel like little hot stones are being massaged around my back by elves. It’s like having an invisible heating pad on the cooch zone and lower back for hours.
This iconic pubic hair oil
Fur oil is our 1977 vibe, via Sexsi, retired French Riviera porn star fantasy oil because it was designed to pamper your most intimate body hair. I tested it myself to see if it lived up to the hype and found that not only is it an absolute delight for your subregions, but also great on arms, armpits and anywhere body hair can be found. The blend of tea tree oil, jojoba oil, grape seed and muscatel oil helps soothe, hydrate and prevent ingrown hairs – and all of this comes in a shiny glass ball worthy of an ancient Olympian.
Just rob the pantry
Don’t be shy, Brad. Come in there! This bottle of EVOO in the kitchen is a great staple for massage work (though oil-based lubricants erode latex and silicone sex toys, so that’s a no-go). Sunflower oil, avocado oil, and grapeseed oil also work wonders and contain loads of vitamins A and E. If you actually take the time to read the fine print of all of these ostentatious body / massage oil products, you will find that they form the basis of many of them. But there’s just something as down-to-earth with muesli as lathering yourself in cooking oil like a hot corn on the cob. Hot tip: lay out a blanket beforehand so that you do not tarnish the hemp leaves.
La Tourangelle
Organic extra virgin olive oil
Thriving market
Organic sunflower oil
Pure majesty
Grapeseed oil
See you on the slip and slide.
Rec Room staff independently selected all of the items featured in this story.
