It’s amazing how the smallest thing can change your whole perspective on life. For me it was the kind words of a stranger.
I was just leaving a mommy-and-me gym on the way to pick up my preschooler, holding my toddler in one hand and the car seat with my newborn in the other. I opened the door and my toddler stormed into the parking lot – just slipped out of my hand and locked.
By a miracle of mom’s strength, I was able to grab him before he got there, without dropping my newborn – but not without falling, ripping my pants and peeling my knees off.
I just sat on the sidewalk and cried. I was of course relieved that he was okay, but I just felt so tired, so defeated. Then she came – another mother I barely knew, from the class I just left.
She knelt next to me, put her hand on my back and said, “You‘don’t do it wrong. It is only the heavy.”
In that one moment, when my hair was matted on my tear-streaked cheeks and a searing pain shot down my legs, she made me realize it wasn’t my fault. That I could try as hard as I could every day, but sometimes things were just messy.
As mothers, we often start to believe that if things don’t go right, it’s our fault.
‘Obviously I am missing something that would make this easier.’
“Other mothers seem to have figured this out, why can’t I?”
‘If only I were [fill in the blank]- uh, that wouldn’t be a problem now. ‘
And so, dear mom, I want to say loud and clear –it’s not your fault.
When you go out of your way to limit your kids’ screen time but literally have no other option to make a phone call, cook dinner, or just take a moment to rest – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you sorely miss your partner and wish you could spend more time together but fall into bed –alone—Because you just are too touched to see something as romantic – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you spend hours a day washing, folding, and mopping, but your floors are still covered in Lego bricks, crumbs, and tiny socks every night – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you’d like to run 3 miles but can’t even find five minutes to workout, let alone hit the gym – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you’ve read three and a half books about sleep, tried everything, and your baby still won’t get through the night – you’re not getting it wrong, it’s just that hard.
When you have received so much conflicting parenting advice from every corner of your life that all you can hear is noise so loud that it drowns out your confidence in the fact that you are the best person to make decisions about your child – you don’t do it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you’ve lived on Pinterest for weeks researching ideas for your baby’s first birthday party, stayed up several nights in a row until 2 a.m. to make decorations and cupcakes, only to have to cancel at the last minute because the baby got conjunctivitis – don’t do that it’s wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you add two more to-dos every time you cross something off your to-do list – you’re not getting it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you love your job but feel like you can’t do it like you used to, don’t do it wrong, it’s just so hard.
If you really don’t like your job but can’t leave because you need the money / insurance / employment – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you love being a home mom but feel like you have to defend your choice in front of everyone – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just so hard.
If you thought you wanted to stay home but now that you are here, you realize that it really isn’t what you imagined – you’re not getting it wrong, it’s just that hard.
If you love your kids so much that it hurts, keep checking your watch to see if it’s bedtime – you’re not doing it wrong, it’s just so hard.
At that moment, when I felt like a total failure, the stranger saw an exhausted mom outside of PE who tried so hard to take care of her children, even if she stayed on a sidewalk bleeding and crying. She saw me more clearly than I could see myself – as mom who did a good job.
And so, dear mom, allow me to keep paying …
It’s just hard to find time when you’re a mom.
Working on relationships as a mom is just tough.
Keeping the house clean when you’re a mom is just hard.
Exercising when you’re a mom is just tough.
Making parenting decisions when you’re a mom is just hard.
The feeling of being able to get things done as a mother is just hard.
It’s just hard to find out if and how you can balance a career as a mother.
Sometimes everything is just very difficult. Not because you’re doing it wrong, just because it is is.
That you keep going, keep cuddling, keep cleaning, keep planning and loving, even though it’s hard, is your superpower. You do the toughest job in the world with dedication, grace and love – and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Ask for help, be gentle with yourself, and know that you are not alone.
This story was originally published on December 11, 2017.
