I never aspired to be a top athlete. I didn’t even try to climb through that short window of time when it opened in high school.
It was clear to me then that any strenuous activity would at most be an occasional activity. Not something that you have to deal with often, and certainly not every day.
I’ve done enough to enjoy recreational sports, to do a few laps, or to run an impressive distance without too much effort. I felt comfortable in the midpack, but ideally a bit above average. Always just slightly about it.
But that was, as I now know, five years ago.
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When 2021 started, a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go to the gym with him. It sparkled with the energy that a New Year and its resolutions bring, so I thought I was trying to suck up some of those good vibes. I failed.
What happened ruined me.
Fitness fanatics make it seem like going to the gym for a massage, out-of-body experience, and maximum mindfulness – all at once.
However, this is not the case. I wasn’t feeling well in the least. Instead of any mindfulness, I focused firmly on how angry my body was that it had been made to visit this House of Secrets.
I felt sore. I could hardly stand. And when I hobbled home, I found out for the first time that my fitness level had hit rock bottom. I couldn’t even get my way.
MATT KLITSCHER / SCOPE OF DELIVERY
Stuff reporter Glenn McConnnell, in pain.
I realized that my evasive attitude towards exercise couldn’t continue, but I didn’t want to add another task to my life either.
I had to do more than just walk, but it was clear from the start that I would never get on the F45 train.
For other fitness non-fans who know why they should exercise more but don’t fool themselves into enjoying it, I’ve tried various methods over the past few weeks to get my mind to enjoy strenuous activity.
The gym – weights
That’s how it all started. After lulling ourselves into a false sense of security on a treadmill, we went to the weights. It was my first time in a gym. My natural instincts told me to step back – these devices were clearly intended for medieval torture.
They were torture devices.
I told you that I’m pretty lazy in and of itself, but a more crucial trait is that I’m also incredibly confident. So I did the best I could to look like I wasn’t going to die.
And so I kept picking up the heavy bar. I kept walking and my athlete kept saying, “The pain is good”. The pain means you are doing it right. The pain? These are profits. The pain. Good sir, the pain.
JASON DORDAY / STUFF
Columnist Glenn McConnell, who is trapped in the newsroom rather than the gym.
Where are the bathrooms? If you take a leak, the excruciating pain won’t be visible. And so I stumbled through the crowd, past the bizarre machines that lined the gym floor, past groups of people who seemingly never leave the building. And as soon as I got to the bathroom, I felt like I was vomiting.
I stared into the toilet bowl, regretting spinning my head and trying to keep my guts inside. Sweat dripped and splashed into the public toilet water and I thought I will never do that again.
Then I went back to finish my set. I’m not a quitter, but I definitely won’t be making this my normal routine.
Outside
My first gym experience put me off these torture houses for a while, so I decided to go back to something that – at one point in my life – had actually been quite funny.
For a brief moment years ago, I enjoyed waking up early, sunrise walks, and the freshness to start the day. It felt like a splash of cool, energizing water – like jumping into the ocean on summer vacation – but one that could be repeated any day of the week.
Marion van Dijk / things
Kettle bells, especially scary looking things.
In the morning, groups of secret fitness fans and their personal trainers gather in front of my apartment. They run upstairs, do push-ups under the trees, and yell at each other. The last bit is a bit much for me, so I didn’t go along with it. I’m not into the whole group fitness thing, it just seems a bit cheesy.
I went to Richard Beddie, the head chef at Exercise Association NZ, for advice. He says that if they don’t like what they’re doing, and everyone has different preferences, people who want to start doing more won’t succeed.
“If you don’t really enjoy being active, you need to find the activity or type of exercise that you are most likely to enjoy. Or at least hate someone you hate the least, ”he says.
So I put together my own workouts, push-ups, pull-ups, up stairs and down garden paths in the mornings when nobody was really around. It was nice, but I couldn’t do this regularly – for the simple reason that I stayed up late and watched TV.
SCOPE OF DELIVERY
New Zealand chef Richard Beddie says it’s important to find something that you enjoy.
The gym – cardio
It’s too hot to keep exercising in the summer sun, so I got to the gym for round two plus one.
I know, I know, but Beddie says my first try didn’t go well because my gym friend and I just weren’t on the same level.
“You have to go with someone who is similar in motivation and intensity, or at least understands,” he says.
If you’re just starting out, it can be good to see a personal trainer, he says, because they’re experts on how the equipment works and also has an understanding of different fitness levels.
Beddie says he started going to the gym as a freshman because a friend brought him over. Until then, he hadn’t cared about fitness and had even bothered to get his mother to sign a note saying he didn’t have to play rugby in high school. “That was unknown at the time,” he says.
“I remember going to the gym first and thinking, what the hell are these? Something [of the machines] Make sense, but others don’t, ”he says.
“There’s a guess with guys that you should know how to work out in a gym, just like a guy naturally seems to know how to change a tire.”
I called Beddie a little late and still don’t know what many of the particularly weird looking fitness machines are doing.
But the bikes, the treadmills, and my personal favorite, the rowing machine, make a lot of sense. My problem, however, is that they are not quite as good as real business. They are machines that are supposed to imitate real life. The goal is – at least for me – to get good enough to be able to ride a bike fast or row outside where you aren’t forced to look at a reflection of yourself on the wall mirror.
KEVIN STENT / STUFF
Companies like Les Mills offer home workout classes.
Workouts at home
I never got a gym membership myself because I don’t assume I’ll be very good at using it again. One workaround seemed to be to buy home appliances.
The idea of working out at home is very appealing. You are free to make a fool of yourself for no one is watching, and you can do it when you have an energy boost.
Companies like Les Mills and Apple have virtual courses that you can view, or you can search YouTube or other websites for suggestions.
It worked for me, but then the delay started. Should I exercise or do the other list of tasks that I postponed?
Apple / AP
Fitness trackers measure heart rate, blood oxygen levels, and how often you get up and move around.
Fitness tracker
By now it had become pretty obvious that I needed some kind of reminder or encouragement to move.
A technological solution literally came at hand. Devices like Fitbits and Apple Watches promise to measure people’s activity. So the effects of these less active days cannot be hidden.
However, they are not cheap. Fitbits retails from $ 140, and the latest Apple Watch costs around $ 700. Obviously, this is not a starting price.
I was lucky enough to use one of Apple’s new watches and it gave me a wake up call. The watch is measuring the heart rate and mine is not looking good. Some of this might be due to fitness, but that’s a question to ask a doctor. It also shows you, if you’ve sat too long, whether you’ve barely moved all day, and measures how hard your body is working, for example to go up a hill.
These little memories often reminded me of my own fragility, but they were useful encouragement to get up and do something – whether it be by walking instead of getting on a bus, or pushing myself a little harder.
Of course, price is an issue for devices like this one. But they show how important memories are for disorganized people like me. Setting a calendar reminder or an alarm could be a good start to getting more exercise.
